Minimising Cringe: A Suzy P Guide
Hi, I’m Suzy Puttock, star of the new book Me, Suzy P by Karen Saunders. I’m constantly doing stupidly embarrassing things that make me want to die of shame. It keeps my mates entertained though, and my boyfriend, too. The book’s all about me and my friends, and what happened when I got a huge crush on someone who wasn’t my boyfriend. Irk. Humiliation CENTRAL.
When I was told you guys wanted my guide on how not to embarrass yourself, I laughed for about an hour.
It took a very long time compose myself, because I couldn’t believe you were actually serious. I am possibly the worst possible person in the entire universe to be giving such advice.
Why? Because I embarrass myself constantly. Daily. Minutely, on particularly horrific occasions. To be honest, half the time I think it would be better if I just stayed in bed and never came out. But even then, I’d probably still find a way to humiliate myself.
Do you embarrass yourself all the time, too? Please say it’s not just me. If you also suffer with regular bouts of embarrassment-itis, here are some things that just might help (but I’m not making any promises).
1. Do not, under any circumstances, let your parents land you with a ridiculous name that rhymes with a part of your bottom. You might not get much say in this, what with being teeny tiny when your name is allocated, but seriously, I’d look into getting your name changed by deed poll if you ever get stuck with something like Puttock (yeah, I know, I know, it rhymes with buttock, haha, I’ve only heard it about eighty million times). Having said that, my big sister Amber’s going to become Mrs Mycock when she gets hitched. I’m pretty sure that’s even worse.
2. Don’t run. Ever. I mean it. Even when you’re horribly late, which I am, a lot. Running makes you out of breath, blotchy, and often leads to falling over. Embarrassmentamundo.
3. Disown any younger brothers and sisters, or get them adopted out. In my experience you will become their main target for practical jokes, fart cushions and anything mean they feel like revealing about you to any passing random. They are nothing but a liability.
4. Be careful when you eat in public. There’s a zillion ways you can embarrass yourself when there’s food and drink about. Spilling it. Dropping it down yourself (you can guarantee it will be on something brand new and it will stain). Laughing mid-mouthful and starting to choke. Choking and spitting said food out. It makes me shudder just thinking about the possibilities.
5. Don’t let people talk you into doing things you don’t want to do, or wearing things you don’t want to wear. Like, for example, being a bridesmaid at your crazy big sister’s wedding, where you have to put on an utterly disgusting dress. People will take photos and the evidence will haunt you for all eternity. No good can come of it. Trust me.
Me, Suzy P is available to buy from all good bookshops, online and is also available as an e-book.
Come visit Karen Saunders online, at www.karensaunders.co.uk, ‘like’ me on Facebook at www.facebook/karensaunderswriter , or follow me on Twitter: @writingkaren. There are also tweets from Suzy Puttock @suzyputtock– so do follow her too.
Look forward to seeing you around!
Thanks Suzy! Thanks Karen!
Hilarious post! I always avoid running at any cost anyway, so I'm safe on that one ;)
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